


a letter to jihoon

by ephemereal



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Love Letters, M/M, Post-Break Up, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 19:23:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13014492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemereal/pseuds/ephemereal
Summary: woojin writes a letter to jihoon. he never sends it.





	a letter to jihoon

Woojin had a bad dream.

 

“Do you really have to, Jihoon? After everything we had to overcome to get to where we are now?”

 

Jihoon continues boring holes into the hazel coloured coffee table. “Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s me, not you. I promise.”

 

Woojin scoffs and gets up from his seat. “Guess I’m not worth it, after all. Daehwi was right all along.”

 

“No, Woojin listen-”

 

“No, you listen” Woojin shots a beat too fast to his liking. He hates how his voice gets shaky when he’s overwhelmed by emotions, a glaring sign that he’s about to burst into tears anytime.

 

“Fine, I’ll listen to what you have to say. But you have to sit down.” Jihoon says softly. Woojin obeys, and takes a deep breath. _It’s now or never_ , he thinks.

 

He opens his mouth to spill every single emotion he bottled up and the words he left unsaid for the past two weeks, yet words thought it was the best time to leave him tongue tied and unable to say anything other than two words.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Jihoon taps his foot impatiently, glancing at his watch. “Is that all you have to say? You look like you have a lot to say.”

 

“Y-yeah, I guess that’s pretty much it.”

 

The older leans forward and plants a kiss on his forehead. “Don’t blame yourself for this, okay? It’s entirely my fault for falling out of love with you. You’ll find someone who truly deserves you someday, I’m sure of that. I have to go now, but I already paid for your drinks earlier. Treat it as my last gift to you, alright? Be happy, Woojin.”

 

“Can I ask you a question?”

 

“Sure, what is it?”

 

Woojin lifts his head to make eye contact with Jihoon.

 

“Do you remember the day we first met?”

 

Jihoon looks up with his eyebrows furrowed, a telltale that he’s thinking hard. Woojin sighs audibly, nodding and staring at his shoes; his shoelaces seemed interesting all of a sudden.

 

"Hey, I’m sorry. I really am. We can still be friends after this, you know. You’re a great friend.” Jihoon pats his head, and exits the cafe.

 

Woojin woke up with tears streaming down his cheeks and looked at the empty space beside him in his bed. _Their bed_.

 

 _Jihoon left the way everyone else did_.

 

He gets up, grabbing a piece of foolscap paper and a pen and starts writing.

 

_To Park Jihoon, a letter I’ll never send. #1_

_121717, 11:12 a.m. 41 days after._

 

_I’m not entirely sure of what I’m doing since I quite literally just woke up, but here goes nothing, I guess._

 

_How have you been? It’s been a long time. Today happens to be the day we met a year ago, and it’s ironic how I dreamt about you leaving me. Remember how you forgot the day we met? I didn’t expect you to remember, yet I felt disappointment that time. Guess the saying that hope brings misfortune is right._

 

_Not going to lie, I still check on you every now and then to see how you’re doing. You seem happy these days. Guanlin, was it? I hope he makes you happy, the way I couldn’t. He must have saved an entire nation in his past life to deserve you, huh? I wish for nothing but the best for the both of you, although it rips me apart to see you being happy without me._

 

_Me? I haven’t been great, but I’m not exactly in an awful situation either. Let’s just say I kind of burnt out ever since the day we parted ways. Don’t get me wrong, I still go to work and all that, but I’ve never been the same anymore._

 

_I quit dancing._

 

_Yes, I really left behind what used to be my lifeline. I’ve been so demotivated and tired to the point where all I want to do is sleep. Losing you felt like me losing my purpose to live, so what’s the point of dancing if you aren’t going to be there to watch me and congratulate me with flowers after my performance?_

 

_At this point, I don’t even think I can say I reopened my wounds; they have never really been closed in the first place. I tried my best, really - I dug up the gravels of time and buried the memories of us with them, I tried keeping myself occupied so that I didn’t have any chance to think about you, but what I didn’t realize is that you have never once left my mind. I wish I could take an amnesia pill and wake up not having you as the first thought on my mind, or die of hanahaki disease, but at the same time, I don't want to._

 

_I don't want to forget how it felt when our lips collided, when I felt complete, when for once, things were in my favour._

 

_As stupid as it sounds, I don't wish to forget you. Call me selfish, but I refuse to forget the happiest times of my life._

 

_I really wish I could return to your arms after a tiring day of work and tell you everything that happened throughout my day like I used to, but those days are long gone. This isn’t the 19th letter I’ve written to you if I were to be honest, but I don’t think this is going to be the last either._

 

_A part of me still hopes that you would return to me one day, but I know that’s nothing but wishful thinking. It’s even bizzare for me to think that you were once so besotted by me. I mean, how could a heart like yours ever love a heart like mine? Maybe I should just get over you already and burn every damn thing that remotely reminds me of you, of us, of what we used to be, but I can’t bring myself to do so._

 

_Because I’m still stupidly, unconditionally, and catastrophically, in love with you, Park Jihoon. And I can’t bear to not have anything that represents what ‘us’ stood for. I wish my damn mouth told you everything that was on mind (you have no idea how many thoughts and sentences were forming in my mind), but I’m not even surprised how all I did was apologise._

 

_I wish I trusted you more when you said you weren’t having a thing with Jinyoung, instead of giving you the cold shoulder and almost ruining your friendship with him. I wish I asked you if you were okay when you only gave me short, conversation-killing answers instead of brushing it off. I wish I can get over this damn bridge between us that you burnt back then._

 

_But what I will never regret is fighting for you, even if it meant for me to lose some of the most important people in my life._

 

_I never told you the details of what exactly went down between Daehwi and I, but we argued over you until five in the morning, only to end up breaking down and continuing the next morning. He had his bunch of friends to back him up as expected from the social butterfly he is, but I had no one. Everyone condemned me for choosing love over friendship. Is it so wrong for me to choose happiness for once, after being fucked over one way or another? Is it so wrong for me to want you, to want us to happen? I was alone in this battle._

 

_I had no one._

 

_But I had you, and that was pretty much all I needed to charge into the battlefield and come out alive. It was you who gave me strength to fight for what I want for the first time; you._

 

_This letter has gotten much longer than I expected so I’ll stop here for now. I’ll pull through with the cracks you’ve carved and the scars you left imprinted on my skin - I’ll learn to embrace the darkest parts of myself._

 

_Goodbye, Park Jihoon. I love you, remember that._

 

_\- Woojin._

 

Woojin folds the letter and keeps it in a box under his table with a label on it which says _the story of us_ , and closes the box.

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this on impulse without any outlining whatsoever while listening to crystal snow and this somehow turned out to be my first complete work
> 
> this fic is very personal to me albeit slightly on the shorter side, but nevertheless, i hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it.


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